Tabletop Beard Movie Reviews #1

Gather ‘round, ye fearless adventurers and seekers of cinematic oddities, for today we dig into the wild and wacky world of Hawk the Slayer, the 1980 sword-and-sorcery epic that has enchanted, amused, and bewildered fantasy fans for generations. In fact, it remained this bard’s favorite fantasy movie for many moons!

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a bunch of enthusiastic Brits, a shoestring budget, and a truckload of dry ice collided in a forest, then Hawk the Slayer is the fever dream you’ve been waiting for. If you haven’t seen it yet…and you love all things fantasy…then, where the hell have you been, adventurer?!?!

Click here to see it listed on Amazon.com!

The Plot: Swords, Sorcery, and a Splash of Sibling Rivalry

Set in a world where fog machines reign and every forest is filled with mystery, Hawk the Slayer tells the tale of—brace yourself—Hawk, a brooding hero with a tragic past and a magic sword (because you can’t be a fantasy hero in 1980 without one, right Luke? Right Arthur?). Our valiant Hawk squares off against his dastardly brother Voltan, played by the deliciously menacing Jack Palance, whose performance can only be described as “one-of-a-kind over-the-top villainy.”

The plot’s as classic as they come: Voltan kills their father, Hawk’s bride, and kidnaps an abbess (she heads the abbey of nuns). Hawk, seeking justice and some well-deserved sibling vengeance, gathers a party of misfits—a wise-cracking dwarf, a stoic elf with a penchant for rapid-fire archery, a bearded giant who’s gentle despite his size, and a mysterious witch with unexplained powers. Together, they embark on perilous quests, confront Voltan’s goons, and unleash the might of the era’s finest “magical” special effects.

Performances: All In, All the Time

Did you watch LOST? Do you remember Jack’s dad? The actor’s name is John Terry, and Hawk the Slayer was one of his first movies. As Hawk, he radiates a quiet intensity; his brooding stares are only rivaled by his unwavering grip on his sword. But, everyone who has seen the movie will agree, it’s Jack Palance who steals the show—his Voltan is a villain for the ages, all snarls and cape-swishing, with a dark helmet that screams “Darth Vader for Fantasy fans.” Palance delivers every line with the conviction of a Shakespearean actor, even if those lines sound like they were written by a medieval mad-lib generator.

The supporting cast is a riot. Ray Charleson’s Crow the Elf never wastes a word (or an arrow, for that matter), and his archery scenes—accompanied by the world’s first archery rapid-fire sound effect—are legendary for their sheer audacity. The dwarf, played by Peter O’Farrell, provides comic relief, while Bernard Bresslaw’s giant Gort is as lovable as he is large. Let’s not forget William Morgan Sheppard playing Ranulf, a one-armed man with an automatic crossbow. You will recognize William, he’s been in every beloved 80s and 90s show from MacGyver and Murder She Wrote to Star Trek Voyager and Quantum Leap. Throw in the enigmatic sorceress, and you’ve got yourself a Dungeons & Dragons party to remember.

Production Values: B-Movie Magic Unleashed

The look and feel of Hawk the Slayer is where the fun truly begins. The movie’s budget was rumored to less than $840,000, yet director Terry Marcel wrings every drop of magic from it. For comparison’s sake Star Wars, release in 1977 was $11 million.

Therefore, the special effects—glittering flashes, glowing sword hilts, psychedelic overlays—may look quaint by today’s standards, but that’s part of the film’s indelible charm. There’s enough dry ice to fill several hockey rinks, and every spell cast is accompanied by a laser-light show that would make a disco jealous.

The action sequences are a joy, mixing swordplay with the kind of choreographed chaos that only comes from earnest low-budget filmmaking. The costumes? They’re a patchwork of medieval cosplay and obvious thrift store finds, but who doesn’t love Hawk’s studded leather and Voltan’s half-burned helmet.

The sets are mostly fog-drenched woods and stone-walled keeps, which are beautifully atmospheric—if you can see through the haze.

The Soundtrack: High Fantasy Meets Disco

One of Hawk the Slayer’s most unforgettable features is its outstanding soundtrack. Composed by Harry Robertson, the music is a surreal blend of sweeping orchestral themes and synth-driven disco funk, as if a drunken bard wandered into Studio 54 and never left. It’s a mood all its own and has seriously helped cement the film’s cult status. Yes, you will hear the music from the final battle in your head for days after watching it.

A Treasure Trove of Unintentional Humor

Part of the joy of Hawk the Slayer is how utterly sincere it is—even when it’s unintentionally hilarious. The dialogue is peppered with fantasy clichés and dramatic one-liners that are all delivered with the utmost seriousness. No matter what the cast faces, their commitment never wavers. Blinking lights, plastic spiders, bouncy rubber balls, no matter how bizarre, they act right through it.

There is a renowned scene, where Hawk’s sword, powered by a glowing green stone, flies into his hand as if by magic (or, more likely, a fishing wire). It’s moments like these—ambitious, awkward, and endlessly entertaining—that make Hawk the Slayer so enjoyable. These moments might make you laugh and cheer, or they might make you moan and groan, either way, you won’t be bored.

Cult Classic Status and Beyond

Hawk the Slayer may not have been a box office smash, but it found its true home in the hearts of fantasy fans (like mine).

It’s been referenced in other media, inspired endless drinking games, and even spawned talk of sequels and reboots over the decades. For many, it’s the quintessential “so bad it’s good” movie—a film that’s aware of its limitations and embraces them with gusto.

In some ways it feels like a group of friends got together with a camera, some costumes, and a dream—and somehow, against all odds, created a movie that’s still watched, quoted, and cherished over forty years later. The film’s cult following is a testament to the power of imagination and the enduring appeal of earnest, low-budget filmmaking.

Should You Watch It?

If you’re searching for the next Game of Thrones, look elsewhere. But if you crave an offbeat adventure packed with wild costumes, zany effects, and a cast who are clearly having a blast, Hawk the Slayer is a must-see. Gather your gamer friends, grab some popcorn, and prepare for a night of laughter and magic in a world where anything can happen—especially if you’re armed with a glowing sword and accompanied by a rapid-fire elf.

So, unsheathe your sword, ready your disco groove, and dive into the epic fantasy of Hawk the Slayer. It’s cheesy, it’s campy, and it’s totally rad fun.

This bard asks you, isn’t that what adventure is all about?

-Tabletop Beard

The post Hawk the Slayer: A Fantastically Cheesy Sword-and-Sorcery Cult Classic Adventure appeared first on Tabletop Beard.

Happy Independence Day!

The Fourth of July marks American Independence from Britain 267 years ago (as of 2024). It’s a day that the entire United States of America celebrates its freedom with fireworks, family gatherings, BBQs, and more.

Freedom is a common topic in sci-fi and fantasy productions too. We bet you can name a few movies and tv shows off the top of your head. You may even hear William Wallace’s speech from Braveheart (played by Mel Gibson) as you read this.

Let’s reminisce and list a few of our favorite movies and TV shows that feature the fight for freedom as a reoccurring or main theme.

1. 300

An amazingly stylized movie that, at times, looks straight off the pages of Frank Miller’s graphic novel and at others looks like a living painting. 300 is an epic historical fiction directed by Zack Snyder (who at the time was only known for Dawn of the Dead).

This movie depicts the Battle of Thermopylae in 479 B.C., when King Leonidas led 300 Spartans against Xerxes and his invading Persian army of 300,000 plus soldiers. It is told, in story fashion, by a survivor of the battle a year later and begins with the history of Leonidas growing up, being trained, and later tested by the wilds aka through the Spartan Doctrinarian.

Expect powerful heart-pounding music, outstanding special effects, and battles that will have you shouting your own battle cries.

This is a tale of freedom, this is a tale of perseverance, this is a tale of heart.

Basically… “THIS IS SPARTA!”

2. V for Vendetta

Perhaps released a bit before its time. Maybe? Maybe not.

Regardless, V for Vendetta is considered a dystopian political action movie and is set in a not-too-distant future Britain ruled by fascism. Injustice has prevailed, y’all.

The entire theme of this movie is revolution. A vigilante appears wearing a Guy Fawkes mask and rescues a girl from being abused by the secret police. After which, he has her witness some acts of terror he claims to be responsible for. He calls himself “V,” and he has begun a one-man war against Norsefire, the reigning political party.

You may be asking yourself, who is Guy Fawkes? Well, do you remember, remember the 5th of November?

We can save you the quick Google search. He’s a historical figure that is tied to the Gunpowder Plot, a failed assassination of King James in 1605. When you watch V for Vendetta, you will understand the tie-in.

3. Dune

From the 1965 novel by Frank Herbert to the 1984 film by David Lynch to the Sci-Fi channel mini-series, to the current two-part series by Denis Villeneuve… Dune is a sci-fi legacy franchise about a feudal interstellar empire led by the 81st Padishah Emperor, Shaddam IV.

The great houses of the empire fight for control of the most important planet in the universe: Arrakis (otherwise known as Dune). Dune is a deeply desired planet because it produces Melange or ”Spice.” Spice is a drug and is also what is required to bend space in long-range space travel, so it’s a highly valuable and prized commodity.

When the Emperor suddenly places Arrakis under the control of the House Atreides, it sparks a conflict with the House Harkonnen. There’s a huge battle, and the son of the lord of the House Atreides manages to escape and survive. His name is Paul (among other things) and he leads the indigenous people of Arrakis, called Fremen, in a rebellion against his enemies.

Sit back, relax, and give one of Dune’s versions a try. Maybe even read the book!

4. Lord of the Rings

The first three epic fantasy films by Peter Jackson represent a lot of things to a lot of fantasy genre-loving people. “Greatest, “Most influential,” and “Masterpiece” are just a few words critics will throw around in their reviews for these movies.

And guess what? It all boils down to the story of a kind and brave hobbit.

Frodo and the Fellowship face insurmountable odds when they seek to destroy the One Ring and dethrone the Dark Lord Sauron. These movies present a clear line between good and bad, and the good guys are very much fighting for future freedom in the land.

Did you know these three movies won a few awards too?

17 Academy Awards total, of which Return of the King won 11 out of the 11 it was nominated for. Someone did something right. Set aside a weekend for this trilogy at over 558 minutes for the theatrical versions.

If you’ve already seen the movies but have not read the J.R.R. Tolkien novels that they were based on, give them a try.

Don’t worry, there are websites to help you keep track of the characters and other vital information.

5. Spartacus (TV)

Set during the first century BC and following the historical events of the Third Servile War, this TV show features Spartacus, a Thracian gladiator, as he leads other gladiators, slaves, farmers, and more against the oppressive Roman Empire. 

This show has 3 seasons and a prequel mini-season that are bursting at the seams with graphic sex and gory violence. This one is clearly rated R for “keep your kids and spouse out of the room” while you watch.  

Spartacus boasts some entertaining realism mixed with incredibly choreographed fighting and some catchy foul language.

To be totally honest, it’s nice to see the commoners in the arena covered in dirt and filth instead of looking freshly bathed. It adds to the realism.

This show will not disappoint, but it might make you sad, as the leading actor had to be changed between seasons when he became critically ill. And, well…if you know history…

6. Braveheart

You have probably seen the multiple Academy Award-winning epic historical fiction from 1995. If not, Braveheart is the story of William Wallace, his revolution against the British invaders, and his bloody fight for Scottish freedom.

The movie itself is critically acclaimed and loved for its blend of action, adventure, drama, and romance. Set in the late 1200s to early 1300s, expect some men in armor and some others in kilts.

While enjoyable, it may not hold entirely true to historical fact. You may think William Wallace, Gibson’s character is “Braveheart,” but in fact that title belongs to Robert Bruce who followed Wallace as king. And, sorry, the blue face paint is not accurate. That paint would have been worn by the Picts a thousand years earlier. But don’t let those tiny details ruin the film for you.

If you have three hours to spare and haven’t seen it yet, we suggest you go for it! It has some gory battle scenes and memorable lines that will stick in your head for days/weeks/years.

OKAY! OKAY! Say it with us!

“…they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!”

7. Hunger Games

From the young adult novels by Suzanne Collins comes this massively successful series of dystopian films.

In the future, set in the ruins of what was once called North America, children are forced to fight for their home districts in a televised sport. The winner is awarded food and supplies…. but this time, when Katniss wins, she is unexpectedly awarded more.

Her actions and personal rebellion against the authorities of the games have given people the strength to stand up. Unknowingly, Katniss has become the spearhead of a rebellion, and when she finally officially joins the fight, she demands the head of the enemy leader.

The first two movies in the series are considered highly successful with lots of great reviews and critical acclaim. The second two films dropped off some but still had positive reviews and made tons of money. Regardless, they present you with enough entertainment to last 548 mins.

While the books are often read by children, the movies are not meant for them. The movies land a solid PG-13 rating for those who adhere to that system.

If your kids read the book and want to watch the movies, but you tell them they can’t… Be aware that they rebel against you and fight you for their freedom to watch the series.

8. Game of Thrones

You can’t talk about fantasy fiction titles these days without mentioning this household name. George R.R. Martin has written a massive series of epic fantasy novels that were adapted into a highly successful fantasy TV series, and the book series isn’t even done yet! (Update in 2025…still not done.)

He’s been writing the most current book for over 10 years! And it isn’t even the last book! The clock is ticking, George!

Sorry, allow us a moment to collect ourselves.

Game of Thrones adeptly opened a magical world and assembled viewers from other types of drama shows into the epic fantasy genre. The story begins with the current king’s tragic passing and King’s Landing, the capital of the combined lands, falling into corruption.

The new rulers and their actions have thrown the lands into complete disorder. Some of the smaller kingdoms fear the ruling House Lannister and disagree with how they have claimed the throne but do nothing. Not all hope is lost. The kingdom of Winterfell, who felt the sharp blade of House Lannister at their throats (a few times) has decided to stand up and fight.

But Winterfall is not the only opposition to the wicked Lannisters. A new contender to the throne is marching across the lands.

Who will win? Unlike Lord of the Rings or some of the other titles listed above, things are not so black and white here in Westeros. No, there are many shades of grey in this world.

(Wait. G.R.R. Martin… J.R.R. Tolkein… Well, this certainly falls under the category of “things that make you go hmmm?”)

Final Thoughts

There are many more movies and shows that concentrate on freedom and revolution as the main theme. Obviously, many of the Star Wars movies feature this. You might even want to watch Les Misérables cause your boy Wolverine is in it.

Take your pick and enjoy. Happy Fourth of July all!

-Tabletop Beard

The post 8 Fantasy Shows and Movies to Ignite Your Inner Rebel appeared first on Tabletop Beard.