Tabletop Beard Movie Reviews #1
Gather ‘round, ye fearless adventurers and seekers of cinematic oddities, for today we delve into the wild and wacky world of Hawk the Slayer, the 1980 sword-and-sorcery epic that has enchanted, amused, and bewildered fantasy fans for generations. In fact, it remained this bard’s favorite fantasy movie for many moons!
If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a bunch of enthusiastic Brits, a shoestring budget, and a truckload of dry ice collided in a forest, then Hawk the Slayer is the fever dream you’ve been waiting for. If you haven’t seen it yet…and you love all things fantasy…then, where the hell have you been, adventurer?!?!
The Plot: Swords, Sorcery, and a Splash of Sibling Rivalry
Set in a world where fog machines reign and every forest is filled with mystery, Hawk the Slayer tells the tale of—brace yourself—Hawk, a brooding hero with a tragic past and a magic sword (because you can’t be a fantasy hero in 1980 without one, right Luke? Right Arthur?). Our valiant Hawk squares off against his dastardly brother Voltan, played by the deliciously menacing Jack Palance, whose performance can only be described as “one-of-a-kind over-the-top villainy.”
The plot’s as classic as they come: Voltan kills their father, Hawk’s bride, and kidnaps an abbess (she heads the abbey of nuns). Hawk, seeking justice and some well-deserved sibling vengeance, gathers a party of misfits—a wise-cracking dwarf, a stoic elf with a penchant for rapid-fire archery, a bearded giant who’s gentle despite his size, and a mysterious witch with unexplained powers. Together, they embark on perilous quests, confront Voltan’s goons, and unleash the might of the era’s finest “magical” special effects.
Performances: All In, All the Time
Did you watch LOST? Do you remember Jack’s dad? The actor’s name is John Terry, and Hawk the Slayer was one of his first movies. As Hawk, he radiates a quiet intensity; his brooding stares are only rivaled by his unwavering grip on his sword. But, everyone who has seen the movie will agree, it’s Jack Palance who steals the show—his Voltan is a villain for the ages, all snarls and cape-swishing, with a dark helmet that screams “Darth Vader for Fantasy fans.” Palance delivers every line with the conviction of a Shakespearean actor, even if those lines sound like they were written by a medieval mad-lib generator.
The supporting cast is a riot. Ray Charleson’s Crow the Elf never wastes a word (or an arrow, for that matter), and his archery scenes—accompanied by the world’s first archery rapid-fire sound effect—are legendary for their sheer audacity. The dwarf, played by Peter O’Farrell, provides comic relief, while Bernard Bresslaw’s giant Gort is as lovable as he is large. Let’s not forget William Morgan Sheppard playing Ranulf, a one-armed man with an automatic crossbow. You will recognize William, he’s been in every beloved 80s and 90s show from MacGyver and Murder She Wrote to Star Trek Voyager and Quantum Leap. Throw in the enigmatic Sorceress, and you’ve got yourself a Dungeons & Dragons party to remember.
Production Values: B-Movie Magic Unleashed
The look and feel of Hawk the Slayer is where the fun truly begins. The movie’s budget was rumored to less than $840,000, yet director Terry Marcel wrings every drop of magic from it. For comparison’s sake Star Wars, release in 1977 was $11 million.
Therefore, the special effects—glittering flashes, glowing sword hilts, psychedelic overlays—may look quaint by today’s standards, but that’s part of the film’s indelible charm. There’s enough dry ice to fill several hockey rinks, and every spell cast is accompanied by a laser-light show that would make a disco jealous.
The action sequences are a joy, mixing swordplay with the kind of choreographed chaos that only comes from earnest low-budget filmmaking. The costumes? They’re a patchwork of medieval cosplay and obvious thrift store finds, but who doesn’t love Hawk’s studded leather and Voltan’s half-burned helmet.
The sets are mostly fog-drenched woods and stone-walled keeps, which are beautifully atmospheric—if you can see through the haze.
The Soundtrack: High Fantasy Meets Disco
One of Hawk the Slayer’s most unforgettable features is its outstanding soundtrack. Composed by Harry Robertson, the music is a surreal blend of sweeping orchestral themes and synth-driven disco funk, as if a drunken bard wandered into Studio 54 and never left. It’s a mood all its own and has seriously helped cement the film’s cult status. Yes, you will hear the music from the final battle in your head for days after watching it.
A Treasure Trove of Unintentional Humor
Part of the joy of Hawk the Slayer is how utterly sincere it is—even when it’s unintentionally hilarious. The dialogue is peppered with fantasy clichés and dramatic one-liners that are all delivered with the utmost seriousness. No matter what the cast faces, their commitment never wavers. Blinking lights, plastic spiders, bouncy rubber balls, no matter how bizarre, they act right through it.
There is a renowned scene, where Hawk’s sword, powered by a glowing green stone, flies into his hand as if by magic (or, more likely, a fishing wire). It’s moments like these—ambitious, awkward, and endlessly entertaining—that make Hawk the Slayer so enjoyable. These moments might make you laugh and cheer, or they might make you moan and groan, either way, you won’t be bored.
Cult Classic Status and Beyond
Hawk the Slayer may not have been a box office smash, but it found its true home in the hearts of fantasy fans (like mine).
It’s been referenced in other media, inspired endless drinking games, and even spawned talk of sequels and reboots over the decades. For many, it’s the quintessential “so bad it’s good” movie—a film that’s aware of its limitations and embraces them with gusto.
In some ways it feels like a group of friends got together with a camera, some costumes, and a dream—and somehow, against all odds, created a movie that’s still watched, quoted, and cherished over forty years later. The film’s cult following is a testament to the power of imagination and the enduring appeal of earnest, low-budget filmmaking.
Should You Watch It?
If you’re searching for the next Game of Thrones, look elsewhere. But if you crave an offbeat adventure packed with wild costumes, zany effects, and a cast who are clearly having a blast, Hawk the Slayer is must-see. Gather your gamer friends, grab some popcorn, and prepare for a night of laughter and magic in a world where anything can happen—especially if you’re armed with a glowing sword and accompanied by a rapid-fire elf.
So, unsheath your sword, ready your disco groove, and dive into the epic fantasy of Hawk the Slayer. It’s cheesy, it’s campy, and it’s totally rad fun.
This bard asks you, isn’t that what adventure is all about?
